Desiderium
by Evilkitten3
Summary: Yaoyorozu was too disoriented from Mustard's gas and didn't think to create a tracking device, leaving the heroes with no way to find Bakugou. Several months later, their paths cross again, only not really. In which some things can't be undone no matter how hard you try, and sometimes the kindest mercy is the cruelest choice.


**AN: It's eleven thirty at night. I could be sleeping or doing my homework or working on the next chapter of one of my six ongoing stories, but FUCK THAT HERE'S SOME ANGSTY SHIT.**

 **Title** : Desiderium

 **Summary** : Yaoyorozu was too disoriented from Mustard's gas and didn't think to create a tracking device, leaving the heroes with no way to find Bakugou. Several months later, their paths cross again, only not really. In which some things can't be undone no matter how hard you try, and sometimes the kindest mercy is the cruelest choice.

 **Characters** : Bakugou Katsuki, Kirishima Eijirou, Yaoyorozu Momo, Midoriya Izuku, Class 1-A, Class 1-B, All Might, Aizawa Shouta, Mr. and Mrs. Bakugou, the League of Villains

 **Warnings** : Implications of really nasty stuff happening to a minor, everybody being horribly traumatized, etc.

 **Extra Note** : This is probably going to be a one-shot. Probably. I have no intentions of writing any continuation of this unless I have a significant amount of people requesting it.

He remembers things, sometimes – bits and pieces of color in an otherwise gray world, floating about in his head until he pushes them away. Thinking is hard, and he's not supposed to be doing it anyway, so he usually doesn't bother. Most of the flashes of memory disappear within moments of their arrival, but some things stick around.

There's a vague sense of familiarity now, looking at the redheaded human charging toward him. The human calls out a name, and another little bell rings in the back of his mind.

"Kill him," the man covered in hands says. Any thought that the redhead might be important flickers away once the order is given, and he turns to face his opponent. The redhead yells the name again, and the man covered in hands cackles. "Kill him, Nouki."

Nouki. That's what they call him, but he doesn't entirely understand _why_. The others are all called "Noumu". Then again, the others all look like horribly mutated animals, whereas Nouki looks more or less human.

But the man covered in hands has ordered him to kill the red-haired human, so Nouki obediently turns to do so. It's interesting to see the human's face change from nervous elation to confused surprise to abject horror as Nouki lunges forward, his dangerous hands stretching out before him. Another human, this one with messy green hair, yanks the redhead out of the way and yells something at Nouki. Nouki doesn't pay attention; he's not supposed to listen to anyone other than a select few people – the man covered in hands, the man made of mist, and the man with no face. Sometimes he has to listen to the burned man or the blonde girl or someone else, but not often.

The redheaded human has tears streaking his cheeks for some reason, and several other humans are trying to hold him back from charging towards Nouki again. There's no point, really – Nouki has to kill him; it's an order. If he wants to die, they should let him.

A girl with short brown hair, also crying, screams something at him. There's a vague thought in the back of his mind that tells him he knows her, and he sees a flash of floating rocks, a swinging pillar, and a determined grin before the thought disappears.

"Kill all of them," the man covered in hands says. "Got that, Nouki?" That's a cue for a verbal response. Nouki doesn't like talking. It hurts. Or, rather, it feels like it should hurt, as though every time he speaks his brain screams out at him that he's being hurt. An order is an order, though.

"Yes," he says, keeping it short and simple. The words taste funny on his tongue, and there's something about the sound that just doesn't _feel_ right. From the expressions on the faces of the people he's just been ordered to kill, he's not the only one who thinks his voice is strange.

And then there's a fight, and the humans do surprisingly well. Nouki is stronger than them in more ways than one, but they somehow keep predicting what he's going to do. A twinge of annoyance flickers through him, but he pushes it down quickly. No feelings, those are bad. Not allowed.

Eventually, the man with no face shows up. Nouki directs his gaze to him immediately – this man's orders transcend any other duties, Nouki knows. The man with no face is Master. Obey. _Obey. Obeyobeyobeyobeyobeyobeyobeyobeyobeyobeyobey_. The word screams itself through Nouki's mind, like he doesn't already know that.

"Tomura," the man with no face says. "Take the others and go. Nouki, guard him with your life. Understood?" Another verbal response is required. Tomura, if Nouki remembers correctly, is the name of the man covered in hands.

"Yes," he says again, trying to memorize how the word feels leaving his mouth.

"I don't want to leave!" the man covered in hands protests. The man with no face doesn't miss a beat.

"Nouki, escort Tomura someplace safe." He orders. Nouki grabs the arm of the man covered in hands and tugs him along, ignoring the shrieks and commands to turn back. The man with no face is Master, and his orders trump all others. The man covered with hands will punish him later, though.

One of the heroes screams something at him again, and this time, Nouki almost hears it. Almost. He tosses the man covered with hands through the portal created by the man made of mist and attempts to follow.

Something happens, though, and then he's being carried away. The colors blue, yellow, and red flash in his vision, and an angry yet vaguely familiar voice speaks sternly to the man with no face.

"Nouki, get back to Tomura," the man with no face orders. Nouki attempts to struggle away from whoever is holding him, but to no avail. Something smacks into the back of his head and the world goes black.

When he wakes up, he finds his arms pinned down by thick straps of leather. He could probably break free, but no one's ordered him to yet, so he doesn't bother. There's a man and a woman in the room who look vaguely familiar, but Nouki doesn't care enough to pay any attention to them. He just stares blankly forward, waiting for his next order. A couple times, the man tries to say something, but Nouki ignores him. After a while, the man starts to cry. The woman bites her lip and yells angrily, but Nouki ignores her too.

Eventually, they leave, but the redhead from the fight replaces them. Nouki wonders whether or not he's still supposed to kill the boy. The redhead sits there in silence for a few minutes, and then bursts into a stream of words, flying by too quickly for Nouki to understand them. Somehow, a part of him actually wants to understand. It's a small part, and Nouki tries to push it down. But then something the redhead says catches his attention.

"–And that guy was calling you 'Nouki', so–" Nouki turns his head abruptly to look at him, and the redhead stops, surprised. After a moment, he speaks again. "Nouki?"

"Yes." Nouki says. Maybe this person is supposed to run whatever exercise this is. Perhaps the man covered in hands had ordered him to kill the redhead to gauge his reaction time. Had he failed? Succeeded? It didn't make a difference, in the long run, but Nouki still wanted to know.

"Why?" the redheaded human asks. "Why 'Nouki'?" Nouki doesn't understand the question, so he just stares blankly at him. But he's paying attention now, and the redhead's words are clear as day. That's never happened before except from anyone whose orders he was obeying. "Why won't you respond to your name?" Trick question.

"Nouki," Nouki says. The redhead shakes his head.

"No, _your_ name," he tries again. "Bakugou. Katsuki. Bakugou Katsuki. That's you; _that_ is your name. Not 'Nouki'. Bakugou." Is it a repeat-after-me game?

"Bakugou?" Nouki asks. The redhead's face lights up, but falls again once he realizes that Nouki was just parroting him. Not a repeat-after-me game, then.

"Do you know who I am?" the redhead asks quietly. Nouki is prepared to state that no he doesn't, but then something in the back of his mind screams at him that yes he does. "Do you?" the redhead presses. Nouki squeezes his eyes shut and concentrates, but the thought that had been screaming at him just a moment ago has vanished. And then, two simple words pop into his mind.

"Shit-hair," he tries. He isn't sure what he's saying but the redhead's eyes widen and that's probably a good thing. "Shit… shit-hair? Shitted-hair?" He forces himself to focus. "Shitty… Shitty Hair?" The redhead tears up and presses his hands over his mouth (filled with absurdly sharp teeth), a glimmer of hope flickering in his eyes. Something in the back of Nouki's mind clicks. "Shitty Hair… Hair-For-Brains…" All of his memories, the little bits and fragments that he was never able to completely force away, come together in a blur. He can't make out most of them, but some parts are cleared than others.

 _Fighting together_

 _Teaming up for some sort of game_

 _There's a pink girl and a guy with weird elbows too but_

 _Red hair_

 _Sharp teeth_

 _Stupid grin_

 _Stupid_

 _Dumbass_

 _Stupid_

 _Stu–_

The thing that had clicked before now clicked again, only louder, resonating throughout his brain, and he _remembers_ something, he remembers some _one_ , he remembers–

"Kirishima," Bakugou Katsuki rasps. "Kirishima. Kirishima, Kirishima, Kirishima–" he says the word over and over again, clinging to it like a lifeline. He doesn't remember much, but that name means something, and there's a face to it and now his mind is so much clearer. He can't return the enormous hug Kirishima is giving him, since his arms are still bound to the bed, but he can return the tears.

They're both sobbing now, and Bakugou – because he's _Bakugou_ again, fucking _finally_ – buries his face in Kirishima's shoulder and Kirishima – who finally has his best friend back, at least a little – pulls him even closer and they just cry together for a bit. Not all of Bakugou's memories have surfaced, and the ones that have are mostly fuzzy and confused, but he's back now and that's what matters.

At some point, Bakugou passes out from exhaustion, but this sleep is different from the nights he spent as Nouki.

He's never felt so much warmth.

 **AN: I feel like I have to continue this now. I do, don't I? Argh. Why do I do this to myself,** _ **WHY**_ **? Well, if I do continue this, be warned that there's gonna be some dark-ass shit going on later. If I don't… well, then whatever happens next is up to your imagination, I guess. Why do I do this to myself? More importantly, why do I do this to my babies? I swear, all the precious children I've hurt during my career as a fanfiction author are going to come back and haunt me, I just know it. I need to stop tormenting them… but I won't. Well, let me know what you thought! Kitty out.**


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